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PREMISE:
THE ENTERPRIZE IS ON ROUTINE PATROL IN QUADRANT BETA CARROTINE. HUNDREDS OF DISTRESS
SIGNALS COME IN FROM VARIOUS PLANETS IN THE QUADRANT. ALL OF THE WOMEN ON ALL OF THE
PLANETS ARE DISAPPEARING. JERK FIGURES IT CAN BE THE WORK OF ONLY ONE GENETICALLY
ENGINEERED PERSON. WRICKY DARRR VADER. JERK AND THE CREW SET OUT TO PUT AND END TO
WRICKY’S DEVIOUS PLOT. WRICKY STEALS THE HOR AHH FROM THE BRIDGE, AND TURNS HER INTO A
BLONDE, AS HE ONLY LIKES BLONDES. A BATTLE ENSUES, JERK IS AFRAID TO BATTLE BACK,
FEARING FOR THE HOR AHH’S LIFE. THE ENTERPRIZE IS DAMAGED. NAUGHTY AFFECT REPAIRS. THE
ENTERPRIZE SETS OUT IN SEARCH OF WRICKY’S SHIP. WRICKY’S SHIP IS FOUND, BU5T WRICKY IS ON
A NEARBY PLANET, THE CREW BEAMS DOWN TO SAVE THE HOR AHH FROM THE CLUTCHES OF
WRICKY. A FIGHT BETWEEN WRICKY AND JERK ENSUES, JERK WINS. WRICKY IS CAST OFF TO
PLANET WHERE THERE IS ONLY BRUNETTES. (THE TWIST: JERK ‘SET UP’ WRICKY, IT WAS ALL A PLAN
TO CAPTURE WRICKY DARR VADER, ON PLANET, WHILE SUPPOSEDLY CAPTURED BY WRICKY, THE
HOR AHH SLIPS WRICKY A PILL THAT WILL TURN HIM BACK TO HIS ORIGINAL SELF).
INTRO: [VOICE OVER]
{VIDEO; EXTERIOR OF SHIP}
JERK: SPACE, THE FINAL FRONTIER, THIS IS A VOYAGE OF THE STARSHIP ENTERPRIZE. IT’S
ONE VIDEO MISSION, TO EXPLORE HOW REALLY STRANGE WE ARE, TO SEEK OUT AS MANY STUPID
LAUGHS AS POSSIBLE, AND TO BEAT THE CENSORS AT EVERY CHANCE WE GET. TO BOLDLY GO,
WHERE NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD EVEN THINK OF GOING, EVER.
[FULL THEME MUSIC]
{SHIP IN ACTION, EPISODE OUTTAKES}
PROLOGUE
{INTERIOR OF BRIDGE}
(STANDARD ROUTINE. CROCK, THE HOR AHH, YU HU AND NAUGHTY ON BRIDGE).
[V/O]
CAPTAIN JERK: “CAPTAIN’S LOG, STARDATE 3476.94825 AND 32 SECONDS, 33 SECONDS, 34
SECONDS, 35, 36, 37…(COUGH). THE ENTERPRIZE IS CURRENTLY ORBITING THE PLANET
“OBSESSION’. ONCE FLOURISHING WITH LIFE, NOW A BARREN AND WASTED ORB MEANDERING
THROUGH SPACE. ALL INHABITANTS HAVE LONG SINCE DEPARTED, ONLY SOME FLASHBACKS OF
REALITY REMAIN.
(YU HU NAVIGATING SHIP. CROCK EVALUATING SENSORS. NAUGHTY EFFECTING REPAIRS ON
NAVIGATIONAL CONSOLE. THE HOR AHH ON PHONE, SPEAKING ON PHONE OUT LOUD, NO SPECIFIC
DIALOG).
(AFTER ‘STARDATE’ JERK ENTERS.)
YU HU: “CAPTAIN ON THE BRIDGE”
JERK (JERK SLOUCHES IN HIS CHAIR). “STATUS OF THE PLANET, MR. CROCK”
CROCK: “IN CALCULATING THE EXTENT OF THE IONIZED CLOUD THAT IS ENCAPSULATING THE PLANET,
CAPTAIN JERK, I HAVE FOUND THAT THE CLOUD CONSISTS OF ODORLESS, TASTELESS, AND
SLIGHTLY COMPRESSIBLE LIQUID OXIDE OF HYDROGEN WHICH FREEZES AT ZERO DEGREES
CENTIGRADE AND BOILS AT ONE HUNDRED DEGREES CENTIGRADE, WITH A MAXIMUM DENSITY OF
FOUR DEGREES CENTIGRADE. THIS LIQUID, WHICH IS FEEBLY IONIZED TO HYDROGEN AND HYDROXYL
IONS, IS CURRENTLY PELTING THE SURFACE OF THE PLANET.”
YU HU: “OH, IT’S JUST RAINING DOWN THERE, YOU NASTY BOY. (LOOKING AT CROCK) I HOPE THE
MOISTURE DOESN’T MAKE MY HAIR FALL”. (FILING HIS NAILS)
BONER COMES IN.
BONER: “CAPTAIN, YOUR LOWER BACK SPASMS WILL RECUR IF YOU DON’T SIT PROPERLY”.
CROCK: “CAPTAIN, I FAIL TO SEE THE LOGIC IN STAR FLEET REGULATIONS WHICH REQUIRE A
CHIROPRACTOR AS STANDARD SHIP PERSONNEL”.
BONER: “WELL, I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY A POINTED EAR VULCAN, SPEWS, I MEAN
SPEEEEWWWSSS OUT (CLIFF) ‘KLAVINISMS’ EVERY TIME SOMEONE ASKS HIM A CONFOUNDED
QUESTION.”
CROCK: “CAPTAIN, HE’S PICKING ON ME AGAIN.”
JERK: “CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG? WE HAVE A JOB TO DO. (TO NAUGHTY): NAUGHTY, DO YOU
HAVE NAVIGATION UNDER CONTROL YET?”
NAUGHTY: (REVELATION). “SHE TOOK A WALLOPING 200 MEGA BARRELS OF TRICARBONATED
STEERING FLUID, AND WITH THAT SHE’S STILL RUNNING A WEE BIT SLUGGISH, OY VAY!”
JERK: “WHY DON’T YOU TRY INVERSE PHASING BETWEEN THE STEERING COLUMN AND THE
NAVIGATIONAL TRAC\NNY FLUID INJECTOR?”
NAUGHTY (REVELATION) “AYE CAPTAIN JERK, IT WILL CERTAINLY HANDLE THAT, NOW WON’T IT? I’LL
HAVE IT READY BEFORE YOU CAN WHISTLE ‘HAVA NAGILA’.” (EXITS THE BRIDGE SINGING).
MEANWHILE: THE HOR AHH’S CONVERSATION PICKS UP IN VOLUME.
THE PLOT BEGINS
THE HOR AHH: (GENERAL GOSSIPING COMMENTS). “THAT’S MY INTERGALACTIC CALL WAITING, DON’
T WORRY ABOUT IT. NOW, AS I WAS SAYING, YOU THINK YOUR CAPTAIN HAS PROBLEMS, OUR
CAPTAIN JERK, AND BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY JERK, HAS THE SMALLEST, MOST MINISCULE…”
JERK: “THE HOR AHH!”
THE HOR AHH: “YES CAPTAIN TINY, I MEAN JERK.”
JERK: (PAUSE) HUM, CAN YOU EXPAND, CROCK?” (STRESSING THE WORK EXPAND).
CROCK: “IT WOULD BE PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO EXPAND, CAPTAIN. HOWEVER, IF YOU
WISH I WILL ELABORATE ON WHAT I JUST SAID.”
JERK: (SARCASTICALLY) “PLEASE DO.”
CROCK: “AFFIRMATIVE, CAPTAIN. UNFORTUNATELY, IN ORDER TO EXPEDITE AN ANSWER TO YOUR
REQUEST, I WILL REQUIRE A MOMENT FOR FURTHER INTERPOLATION.”
THE HOR AHH: “THERE’S THAT CALL WAITING AGAIN, HOLD ON A MINUTE. I BETTER TAKE THIS ONE, IT
MIGHT BE IMPORTANT. (SARCASTICALLY) NO, YOU’RE KIDDING. GET OUT OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM;
YOU’RE SERIOUS, AREN’T YOU. HOLD ON, I GOT ANOTHER CALL.” (AND SO ON…)
THE HOR AHH: “CAPTAIN, I’M GETTING AN OVERABUNDANCE OF DISTRESS SIGNALS OUT OF MY
‘GLUTEUS MAXIMUS’.”
JERK: “DISTRESS SIGNALS, MISTER CROCK?”
THE HOR AHH: “YES CAPTAIN, TRANSMISSIONS USED TO CONVEY INFORMATION BEYOND THE RANGE
OF HUMAN VOICE. IN THIS CASE THE TRANSMISSIONS ARE IN REGARD TO THE STATE OF BEING IN
TROUBLE, A STATE OF DANGER, OR A…”
JERK: “THE HOR AHH, ONCE AGAIN, IN LAY TERMS, PLEASE.”
THE HOR AHH: “NOT ON YOUR LIFE, JERK.”
JERK: (ANGRILY) “NO, I MEAN, JUST GIVE ME THE MESSAGE!”
THE HOR AHH: “WELL, BETTY TOLD NANCY, AND SHE HEARD IT FROM CAROL, AND SHE’S GOOD
FRIENDS WITH ILOMAY, WHO’S HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH…”
JERK: “ THE HOR AHH, NOT THE ENTIRE 976 OPERATOR COSSIP CHAIN, JUST THE FACTS.”
THE HOR AHH: “SORRY, JERK. ALL GIRLS HAVE DISAPPEARED FROM THE AIRHEAD GALAXY.
TRANSMISSIONS ORIGINATED FROM THE PLANETS ‘ALPH BETA BIMBO’, ‘GAMMA HYDRA SLUT’ AND THE
‘NYMPHO NEBULA’, AND THERE’S STILL MORE COMING IN, SIR. (TURNS AROUND GRUMBLING TO
HERSELF) BOY, THIS JOB IS REALLY INTERFERING WITH MY SOCIAL LIFE. IT’S A GOOD THING I HAVE
CALL WAITING.”
CROCK: “ CAPTAIN, I’VE CROSS REFERENCED THE PLANETS IN QUESTION. THERE IS NO TRACE OF
FEMALE DNA WITHIN SENSOR RANGE.”
YU HU: “YOU MEAN A WHOLE GALAXY FULL OF JUST MEN?”
JERK: “BONER, WHAT DO YOU THINK?”
BONER: “DAMN IT JERK, I’M A CHIROPRACTOR, NOT A GYNOCOLOGIST.”
JERK: “THE HOR AHH, SEND A MESSAGE TO STAR FLEET COMMAND ON A PRIORITY CHANNEL.
NOTIFY THEM OF OUR POSITION.”
THE HOR AHH: “ YES, CAPTAIN….JERK.”
(THE HOR AHH DIALS STAR FLEET COMMAND)
[DIALING SOUND]
[V/O AND OPERATOR TONES]
OPERATOR VOICE: “WE’RE SORRY, SUB SPACE TRANSMISSION HAS BEEN RESTRICTED FROM THE
TRANSMISSION SITE. PLEASE TRY YOUR CALL AGAIN WHEN YOUR BILL IS PAID IN FULL.”
JERK: “YU HU, I THOUGHT YOU PAID THE INTERPLANETARY PHONE BILL.”
YU HU: “WELL, I HAD TO BUY THAT SNAPPY OUTFIT SO I’D BE READY WHEN CROCK GOES THROUGH
HIS NEXT ‘PON PHAR’.”
JERK: “WHY’D THEY EVER LET HIS KIND IN THE MILITARY? (TOO ALL) WELL, I TUESS WE’RE ON OUR
OWN. YU HU, SET COURSE FOR THE AIRHEAD GALAXY, WARP FACTOR SIX.”
YU HU: “ WITH PLEASURE, BUT I DON’T HAVE A THING TO WEAR.”
(YU HU PLOTS COURSE)
[NAVIGATIONAL TONES]
JOURNEY TO AIRHEAD GALAXY
[VIDEO, NAUGHTY IN ENGINEERING ROOM]
(NAUGHTY THUMBING THROUGH GIRLY MAGAZINES)
[V/O]
JERK: “CAPTAIN’S LOG, SORT OF MENTAL. STARDATE 36-24-36, IN ROUTE TO THE AIRHEAD GALAXY,
NAUGHTY IS FEVERISHLY WORKING TO GET UP MAXIMUM WARP POWER. ALL OF THE WOMEN WITHIN
THIS GALAXY HAVE DISAPPEARED WITH NO EXPLANATION, COULD IT BE A NEW STRAIN OF PMS?”
[ENGINE BACKGROUND SOUND]
JERK: (THROUGH INTERCOM) “NAUGHTY, I NEED WARP NINE, AS SOON AS YOU CAN.”
NAUGHTY: “I CAN GIVE YOU WARP 7, CAPTAIN, THAT’S ALL SHE’LL HANDLE.”
JERK: (THROUGH INTERCOM) “DON’T DICKER WITH ME, I NEED WARP 9, ANDI NEED IT NOW.”
NAUGHTY: “OY VAY CAPTAIN, NO DEAL…WARP 8 IS ME FINAL OFFER.”
JERK: (INTERCOM) “YOU SURE DRIVE A HARD BARGAIN.”
NAUGHTY: “BUT I CAN’T DO IT CAPTAIN, THE ENGINES JUST WON’T TAKE THE STRAIN.”
JERK: “DO WHAT YOU CAN, NAUGHTY. JERK OFF.”
NAUGHTY: (LOOKING AT PICTURES ON WALL). “SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA TO ME.”
BACK ON THE BRIDGE
JERK: “MR CROCK, STATUS REPORT.”
CROCK: “FOUR HOURS, 8 MINUTES, 25 POINT THREE TWO SIX SECONDS HAVE LAPSED SINCE I LAST
ENCOUNTERED ONE OF BONER’S TORRENTIAL FLOODS OF EMOTIONAL ILLOGIC.”
BONER: “YOU’RE OUT OF YOUR VULCAN MIND.”
CROCK: “THE VULK’ I AM!”
BONER: “WELL, VULK YOU.” (ACT LIKE GOING TO SHOOT FINGER, BUT SHOOT VULCAN GREETING
INSTEAD, IN REVERSE).
JERK: “BONER, SHOULDN’T YOU BE IN TRACTION? AND CROCK, TOO MUCH OF THAT ROMULAN ALE IS
LETTING YOUR HUMAN HALF PEEK OUT.”
CROCK: “I FAIL TO UNDERSTAND WHY INSULTS ARE NECESSARY…JERK.”
JERK: “YES, MR CROCK. NOW, HOW ABOUT THAT STATUS REPORT.”
CROCK: “ALL FEMALE SAPIENT BEINGS HAVE VIRTUALLY VANISHED FROM THE PLANETS IN THIS
SOLAR SYSTEM. LOGIC DICTATES THAT SOMEONE OR SOMETHING HAS PERPETRATED THESE
ABDUCTIONS. SENSORS INDICATE A MASSIVE GUILD UP OF HYDROGEN PEROXIDE FORMING IN THE
UPPER ATMOSPHERES. ALSO, RESIDUE ON THE PLANETS WHERE THE FEMALES WERE ABDUCTED
CONSISTS OF DARK HAIR PIGMENTATION. ONE MIGHT CONCLUDE THAT ALL OF THE ABDUCTED
WOMEN ARE HAVING THEIR HAIR DYED BLONDE BY SOME UNKNOWN FORCE PRIOR TO THEIR
DISAPPEARING. I HAVE NO EXPLANATION FOR THIS OCCURRENCE. CAPTAIN? CAPTAIN?”
(JERK APPEARS DISMAYED FROM HEARING THIS INFORMATION).
(JERK COLLAPSES).
BONER: “JERK, ARE YOU OKAY? (BONER PULLS OUT TRICORDER TO CHECK JERK’S LIFE FUNCTIONS).
JERK: (JUMPING UP) “YEAH, BONER. GOOD THING FOR MY DEPENDS.”
BONER: “PHEW, I THOUGHT THAT ‘VULCANS HIND SMELLED’, AGAIN. (LOOKING AT CROCK).
JERK: “I KNOW WHO IT IS, I KNOW WHO’S PERFORMING THIS DASTARDLY DEED. YU HU, GO TO RED
ALERT.”
YU HU: “OH, I WISH WE COULD GO TO HOT PINK ALERT.”
[RED ALERT SOUNDS]
[MUSIC IN BACKGROUND, FUTURISTIC ‘LOVE STORY’ THEME]
JERK: “IT GOES BACK TO MY DAYS AT THE ACADEMY. (ALL YAWN). THERE WAS AN INSTRUCTOR
THERE. WRICKY DARR VADER. HE WAS MY TEACHER, MY MENTOR…MY FRIEND. I LOOKED UP TO
HIM; HE WAS TALLER THAT I WAS. I RESPECTED HIM, I TRUSTED HIM. HE WAS TO BE BEST MAN AT MY
WEDDING. THE DAY I WAS TO BE WED, HE SLEPT WITH MY BRIDE TO BE, THE BEAUTIFUL BLONDE
HAIRED BAMBI, AND ALL SEVERN OF THE BLONDE BRIDESMAIDS, ALL IN A MATTER OF TWO HOURS.
THEY DIDN’T CALL HIM ‘QUICKY WRICKY’ FOR NOTHING. AFTER THAT, I LOST ALL RESPECT FOR HIM; I
LOST ALL RESPECT FOR MYSELF. I COULDN’T EVEN FACE ANYONE, NOT EVEN MY REFLECTION IN
THE MIRROR, BUT WHO COULD, IF THEY LOOKED LIKE ME. LOOK AT ME…. WHY’S EVERYONE
LOOKING AT ME…? (EVERYONE TURNS AWAY). ANYWAYS, AS TIME WENT ON, I TOTALLY IMMERSED
MYSELF IN MY STUDIES, AND MY PORNOGRAPHY COLLECTION. I PETITIONED THE BOARD OF
GOVERNERS OF THE ACADEMY TO HAVE HIM DISBARRED AND EXILED TO THE FARTHEST REACHES
OF THE GALAXY, AND THEY DID, CAUSE THEY FOUND OUT THAT HE HAD SLEPT WITH ALL THE BLONDE
HAIRED STUDENTS AND FACULTY MEMBERS. THEN AFTER THE SELF PITY PERIOD OF MY LIFE CAM
TO AN END, I SWORE TO BE THE BEST DAMN START SHIP CAPTAIN THIS UNIVERSE HAS EVEN SEEN. I
GRADUATED THIRD IN MY CLASS…. OF THREE. BUT ANYWAY, I SWORE REVENGE ON THAT BLONDE
STEALING, SCUM SUCKING SWINE. AND NOW MY DAY HAS COME, AND BOY…AM I SCARED SHITLESS.”
YU HU: “CAPTAIN, WE HAVE PENETRATED THE AIRHEAD.”
JERK: “INITIATE PROTECTION DEVICE.”
YU HU: “TROJAN’S ARE NOW ON.” (PUSHES BUTTON).
[SOUND EFFECT OF TROJANS BEING ACTIVATED]
CONFLICT ONE:
CROCK: “CAPTAIN, ENEMY VESSEL WITHIN SCANNING RANGE.”
JERK: “OPEN HAILING FREQUENCY.”
[HAILING FREQUENCY SOUND]
THE HOR AHH: “HAILING FREQUENCY OPEN, JERK. NO RESPONSE.”
JERK: “KEEP TRYING TO RAISE THEM.”
CROCK: “ENEMY VESSEL CONSISTS OF MOSTLY TIT-TANIUM, CYLINDRICAL IN SHAPE, WITH TWO
LARGE SCRITONIMUS ORBS ASTERN. AND ALSO, WHAT APPEARS TO BE A HELMET-SHAPED FRONTAL
RIDGED COMPARTMENT.”
THE HOR AHH: “CAPTAIN, COMMUNICATIONS ESTABLISHED.”
(JERK AT SCREEN)
JERK: “ON SCREEN.”
(ON SCREEN IS WRICKY DARR VADER, WHO IS ABOARD HIS OWN SHIIP.)
WRICKY: “HEWWO CAPTAIN JEWRK, WONG TIME NO SEE, HOW’S YOUR WIFE AND MY CHILDWEN? HA
HA HA HA!”
JERK: “ VERY FUNNY, BUT…IF YOU WANT TO LAUGH, DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE TORTISE
AND THE…”
WRICKY: “JEWK, IF I HEAW ONE WABBIT JOKE, I WILL CWUSH YOU VEWY VEWY VEWY SLOWLY.”
(JERK WETS HIMSELF?)
JERK: “ WELL, WRICKY, THIS GALAXY ISN’T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US. SO, YOU BETTER TELL
ME WHAT YOU’VE DONE WITH ALL OF THOSE WOMEN?”
WRICKY: “OF COUWSE, YOU WOULDN’T KNOW….AFTEW ALL, YOU NEVEW DID ATTEND ANY OF THE
INTEWGALACTIC SEX ED CLASSES, THAT I TAUGHT AT THE ACADEMY.”
JERK: “I’M GOING TO STOP YOU, WRICKY. I’M GOING TO SEE TO IT THAT YOUR LIBIDO IS PUT IN
CHECK, PERMANENTLY.” (JERK MAKES A SNIPPING GESTURE).
WRICKY: “OUCH! BUT WEALLY. YOU ARE POWEWLESS AGAINST ME, JEWK. YOU AWE WEAK. YOUW
WHOLE WACE IS WEAK. I, ON THE OTHER HAND, AM A GENETICAWWY SUPEWIOW BEING, BOTH
MENTAWWY , AND ESPECIAWWY PHYSICAWWY. YOU CAN ONWY DWEAM OF THE POWEW THAT IS
WITHIN MY GENES. ALTHOUGH, I WAS WETCHEDWY WIPPED OFF WITH WEGAWDS TO MY DIAWECT
DEWIVEWY.”
(EVERYONE ON THE BRIDGE LAUGHS, SNICKERS, DUE TO WRICKY’S ELMER FUDD SPEECH
IMPEDIMENT).
WRICKY: “SIWENCE! AS I WAS SAYING I AM STWONGEW THATN YOU AWE, I AM MOWE POWEWFUW
THAN YOU COUWD EVEW DWEAM OF BEING, I AM ENDOWED, AND I DO MEAN…ENDOWED WITH THE
POWEW TO BWING WOMEN A GWEAT AMOUNT (GRABS HIS INNER THIGH) AND I DO MEAN GWEAT
AMOUNT OF PLEASUWE.”
THE HOR AHH: “SO CAPTAIN, ARE YOU GOING TO INTRODUCE US TO YOUR FRIEND?”
JERK: “HE’S NO FRIEND OF MINE, HE’S THE…”
THE HOR AHH: “YEAH YEAH YEAH. SO, WICKY IS IT? YOU WERE SAYING?”
WRICKY: “SO, WHO IS THIS BEAUTIFUW CWEATUWE WHO’S PWESENCE GWACES MY EYES?”
THE HOR AHH: “BUT HOW CAN I BE WORTHY OF SUCH ADORATION FROM A MAN AS BIG, I MEAN AS
GREAT AS YOU ARE? I AM BUT A BRUNETTE.”
WRICKY: “THAT CAN BE COWWECTED, MY DEAW.”
(WRICKY PRESSES BUTTON ON SOME DEVICE ON HIS CONSOLE).
[DISAPPEARING SOUND, WHOOSH]
(THE HOR AHH DISAPPEARS FROM THE BRIDGE, IN HER PLACE…IS NOW A BOTTLE OF HYDROGEN
PEROXIDE).
BONER: “WHERE’D THAT SLUT GO NOW?”
WRICKY: “YOU GET ONE GUESS.”
JERK: “DON’T TELL ME SHE’S WITH YOU.”
WRICKY: “IS A BEAW CATHOWIC? DOES THE POPE SHIT IN THE WOODS? OF COUWSE SHE’S WITH
ME!”
(THE HOR AHH IS NOW ON WRICKY’S SHIP. SHE’S IS NOW A BLONDE).
WRICKY: “HASTA LA VISTA, BABY.” (WRICKY LAUGHS).
JERK: “WWWWRRRRRRRIIIIIIIICCCCCCCKKKKKKKYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!”
WRICKY: (CONTINUES LAUGHING).
{THE MONITOR SCREEN GOES BLANK}
THE ATTACK
(WRICKY STARTS ATTACKING THE ENTERPRIZE. BATTLE FOOTAGE FROM EXTERIOR OF THE SHIP IS
INTERMIXED WITH INTERIOR FOOTAGE OF THE CREW BOUNCING AROUND FROM THE ATTACK.)
(DURING THE ATTACK, THE FOLLOWING DIALOG FROM THE BRIDGE):
JERK: “HOLD YOUR FIRE! YU HU, GET US OUT OF HERE!”
YU HU: “COME ON CAPTAIN. LET ME DISCHARGE ONE FULL SPREAD OF PHOTON TORPEDOES ALL
OVER THAT BIG BOY.”
JERK: “WE CAN’T RISK INJURING THE HOR AHH.”
YU HU: (PAINTING HIS NAILS) “DON’T WORRY CAPTAIN, WITH THE HOR AHH GONE, I’LL TAKE CARE OF
YOU.”
BONER: “MY BACK, MY BACK’S OUT AGAIN.”
(AFTER ANOTHER HIT).
BONER: “HEY, MY BACK FEELS BETTER” (ANOTHER HIT) “DAMN, IT’S OUT AGAIN.”
ENGINE ROOM:
(NAUGHTY IN ENGINE ROOM, REARANGING THE ‘PIN-UPS’ THAT WERE KNOCKED OFF THE WALLS
DURING THE ATTACK).
NAUGHTY: (TO HIMSELF) “WE’LL GET YOU FLYING AGAIN, GIRL. IT’S GOING TO TAKE MORE THAN A
FEW PHASER BLASTS TO KEEP YOUR PHOTON TORPEDOES DOWN.”
JERK: (THROUGH INTERCOM) “NAUGHTY, DAMAGE REPORT.”
NAUGHTY: “AYE CAPTAIN, IT’S QUITE A MESS DOWN HERE.”
JERK: (INTERCOM) “WHAT’S THE STATUS? DO WE STILL HAVE THE WARP ENGINES?”
NAUGHTY: “WARP ENGINES? I CAN’T TEND TO THE WARP ENGINES RIGHT NOW CAPTAIN, I HAVE MORE
URGENT CONCERNS AT THE PRESENT.”
JERK: “NAUGHTY, I NEED THOSE WARP ENGINES. HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE TO REJUVENATE THE
DILITHIAN CRYSTALS?”
NAUGHTY: “IT COULD TAKE DAYS, MAYBE EVEN A WEEK, CAPTAIN.”
JERK: “I NEED THEM NOW, NAUGHTY. THE TOOK THE HOR AHH AND WE HAVE TO GO GET HER BACK.
YOU HAVE AN HOUR.”
NAUGHTY: I CAN’T DO IT CAPTIN! I JUST CAN’T! IT’S A REAL MESS DOWN HERE.”
JERK: “I’M SENDING MR CROCK DOWN TO ASSIST YOU.”
NAUGHTY: “GOOD, TELL HIM TO BRING SOME SCOTCH TAPE.”
(FADE OUT).
CONFLICT TWO:
(FADE IN TO THE BRIDGE)
(CROCK AND NAUGHTY ENTER THE BRIDGE. CROCK GOES TO HIS STATION AND LOOKS THROUGH
THE SENSORS).
JERK: “NAUGHTY, DO WE HAVE FULL POWER?”
NAUGHTY: “AYE CAPTAIN, BUT IT’S GONNA COST STAR FLEET TIME AND A HALF, MAKING ME WORK
THE SABBATH.”
BONER, TO CROCK: “WHAT IN BLUE BLAZES ARE YOU LOOKING AT, CROCK?”
CROCK: (SARCASTICALLY) “MY GOOD DOCTOR, I AM CURRENTLY STUDYING THE DIALECT OF THE
ENEMY, SO AS TO FIND OUT…”
BONER: “LET ME SEE.”
(BONER LOOKS THROUGH THE SENSOR).
[VIDEO; SENSOR IS A TV PLAYING ELMER FUDD CARTOON]
YU HU: (YELLS OUT). “CAPTAIN, THERE’S THAT BAD BOY’S SHIP.”
(ENEMY SHIP ON SCREEN).
[MUSIC FROM ‘DOOMSDAY MACHINE’ EPISODE]
JERK: “GET ME MY SHOTGUN, I’M GOING HUNTING FOR RABBIT.”
BONER: “JERK ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? WHAT ABOUT OUR PRIME DIRECTIVE? WHAT ABOUT
THE SANCTITY OF LIFE? WE JUST CAN’T GO GALLAVANTING THROUGH THE UNIVERSE HUNTING POOR
DEFENSELESS CREATURES. A RABBIT IS AN AMAZING CREATURE THAT….
JERK: “DOCTOR, DOCTOR, CALM DOWN. IT WAS MERELY A FIGURE OF SPEECH. WE ARE GOING
AFTER WRICKY.”
BONER: “OH.”
CROCK: “CAPTAIN, MY SENSORS INDICATE THAT THERE ARE NO LIFE FORMS ON THE ENEMY SHIP. I
AM PICKING UP THREE, NO THAT’S TWO LIFEFORMS ON THE PLANET. THE THIRD WAS MERELY A
TRAJECTORY FROM ONE OF THE LIFEFORMS.”
JERK: (WITH KNOWING) “THAT’S WRICKY, WE NEED A LANDING PARTY.”
(EVERYONE THEN FRANTICALLY RAISES THEIR HANDS SCREAMING “PICK ME PICK ME….)
(AS SCENE FADES, CROCK IS SEEN WHISPERING IN JERK’S EAR).
NOTE: HE IS TELLING JERK OF HIS (UNSPOKEN) PLAN OF REARRANGING THE CONFIGURATION OF
WRICKY’S TRANSPORTING DEVICE THAT TRANSFORMS BRUNETTES INTO BLONDES, AND MAKING IT
ABLE TO CHANGE WRICKY INTO A COMPUTER GEEK – SEE ‘PLANET’ SCENE.
(EVERYONE BEAMS DOWN TO PLANET EXCEPT FOR CROCK. LANDING PARTY CONSISTS OF JERK,
BONER, YU HU AND NAUGHTY).
ON THE PLANET
(ON PLANET IS WRICKY AND THE HOR AHH. THERE IS A TABLE SET WITH DISHES, CANDLES AND
CHAMPAGNE, ETC…..THERE IS SOFT MUSIC PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. WRICKY IS POURING THE
HOR AHH A GLASS OF CHAPAGNE).
[BACKGROUND MUSIC: EITHER ONE OF GREG’S PIANO TAPES, OR WRICKY PLAYING HIS BASS TO
SERENADE THE HOR AHH]
WRICKY: “WRICKY’S WOG, AND YOU THOUGHT ONWY CAPTAINS OF STAW SHIPS KEPT WOGS. HA HA,
BUT AGAIN, I DIGWESS. DAWW’S DATE….WITH THE BEAUTIFUW THE HOR AHH. A NICE DINNEW, SOME
CHAMPAGNE, A WITTLE SLOW DANCING, AND WHO KNOWS? BUT I KNOW JEWK’S COMING, OW AT
LEAST BWEATHING HEAVY. AND I EXPECT HIM TO SHOW UP ANY TIME NOW, AND WUIN MY PWANS FOR
A WOMANTIC EVENING.”
{VIDEO; SPECIAL EFFECT TRANSPORTING BEAM EFFECT}
[AUDIO; SPECIAL EFFECT TRANSPORTING BEAM SOUND]
(THE LANDING PARTY APPEARS)
WRICKY: “I KNEW IT, I JUST KNEW IT. DO YOU HAVE WESEWVATIONS? I ONWY HAVE PWACESETTINGS
FOR TWO.”
JERK: (CHARGING WRICKY) “THERE’S ONLY ONE PLACE YOU’RE GOING, AND THAT’S TO…..
(WRICKY ZAPS JERK WITH SOME KIND OF RAY GUN_.
[RAY GUN SOUND}
(JERK GOES INTO HIS ‘STUN’ ROUTINE).
(WRICKY THEN STOPS FIRING).
JERK: “HEY THAT FELT PRETTY GOOD. DO IT AGAIN.”
YU HU: “NO IT’S MY TURN!”
WRICKY: “ACTUALLY JEWK, I’M GLAD YOU SHOWED UP., I’M SEWVING WEVENGE, A DISH BEST
SEWVED COLD.”
JERK: “NO THANKS, I JUST ATE. BUT YOU’LL GET YOUR JUST DESSERTS.”
WRICKY: “I THINK NOT, CAPTAIN. YOU SEE, I HOLD ALL THE CAWDS.”
THE HOR AHH: “GREAT! LETS PLAY STRIP POKER.”
WRICKY: “I’M AFRAID THAT GAME WOULD ONWY SEWVE TO EMBARRASS YOU’WE CAPTAIN.”
THE HOR AHH: “DON’T I KNOW IT.”
JERK: “FOR A MAN WHO CLAIMS TO HAVE SUPERIOR INTELLIGENCE OVER US MORTAL BEINGS, YOU
HAVE THE SAME FLAW THAT IS IN THE NATURE OF EVERY MAN.”
WRICKY: “AND WHAT COULD THAT POSSIBLY BE, CAPTAIN JEWK?”
JERK: “IN THE PRESENCE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, CLEAR AND LOGICAL THOUGHT NO LONGER
EXISTS. THE BLOOD RUSHES FROM YOUR HEAT TO YOU, WELL, YOU KNOW….AND THEN YOU ARE
POWERLESS.”
WRICKY: “BUT THAT IS THE SOUWCE OF MY POWEW, CAPTIAIN JEWK. MY INTEWWECT IS FAW TOO
SUPEWIOW, MY PHYSICAW POWEW IS ENDLESS.”
JERK: WELL, AS FAR AS YOUR INTELLECT, A RATIONAL THINKING MAN IN YOUR POSITION WOULD NOT
HAVE LEFT HIS SHIP UNATTENDED, WHERE A CERTAIN FULCAN COULD POSSIBLY RIGHT NOW BE
EFFECTING REPAIRS TO YOUR BLONDE TRANSPORTING DEVICE.”
(WRICKY’S FACIAL EXPRESSIONS SHOW HIS CONCERN, HE SCREWED UP).
JERK: “AND CONCERNING YOUR PHYSICAL PROWESS, LET’S ROCK! GET HIM MEN!”
(BONER, NAUGHTY AND YU HU ARE EATING FOOD OFF THE TABLE, THE HOR AHH IS FLIRTING WITH
THEM, ETC…AND NONE OF THEM ARE PAYING ATTENTION TO THE CONVERSATION BETWEEN JERK
AND WRICKY).
WRICKY: “I GUESS IT’S JUST YOU AND ME, JEWK.”
(WRICKY AND JERK START FIGHTING).
[FIGHTING MUSIC]
(BONER, NAUGHTY AND YU HU FINALLY JOIN IN THE FIGHT AND WRICKY IS APREHENDED).
WRICKY: “YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE WAST OF ME, JEWK. I WILL HAVE MY WEVENGE.”
JERK: “WELL, WHERE YOU’RE GOING, YOU HAVE A LONG TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT. AT LEAST A
YEAR. THE THAT’S WHEN WE’LL START FILMING THE SEQUEL (PULLS OUT COMMUNICATOR). CROCK,
INITIATE TRANSFORMATION PROCESS.”
CROCK: ACTIVATING NOW, CAPTAIN.
(WRICKY DISAPPEARS).
EPILOGUE
(THE BRIDGE, STANDARD POSITIONS OF ENTIRE CREW).
BONER: “SO CAPTAIN, WHERE’D YOU SEND THAT DARRVIAN SLIME DOG?”
JERK: “YU HU, ON SCREEN. LETS ALL SEE WHAT HAS BECOME OF WRICKY.”
(SHOT OF WRICKY ON SCREEN IN HIS COMPUTER GEEK APPAREL).
THE HOR AHH: “EWWWW, NOT THAT’S DISGUSTING. I HOPE NONE OF MY GIRLFRIENDS EVER FIND
OUT THAT I FELL FOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. WHY, HE LOOKS LIKE A COMPUTER GEEK!”
CROCK: “CAPTAIN, I FAIL TO SEE THE HUMOR IN THE TERM ‘COMPUTER GEEK’.”
(THE ENTIRE CREW STARTS LAUGHING AT CROCKS STATEMENT).
(FADE OUT).
THE END